Hoping for a better future

Wow, it's been 5 years since I've blogged and reading back on these moments really brings back memories. I'm 21 now, still at uni, supposed to graduate this year but sadly I'm repeating. All I can say is wow. Things have definitely changed for me. High school dramas, ex boyfriends, ex best friends, it has made me the person I am today. In my mind, I really thought that every bad moment I had in my life, was the worst situation that can never be solved. Going through so much pain, depression leads to suicidal thoughts and acts. My mind spinning, thinking that things will never get better. Well 18 year old Ellen, you're wrong. Things did get better, time healed me. Family supported me. That's all I needed. Friends come and go, but blood is thicker than water. Although there are still times that when too much stress and depression gets to me, I still want to take my life away, I always remind myself that it'll be a burden for my family. They can only afford to live everyday as it passes, having my funeral would just be an expensive burden, as well as having their only daughter taken away from them. So this keeps me going, encourages me to continue trying to graduate uni even though Ive stayed back for one year now and next year will be another year I'll be staying back. But I can do this. To be the only one in my family to graduate would make my parents so proud, and that's all I need. My love life on the other hand has its ups and downs. After the worse break up with my ex in highschool, who was also my first, I stayed single for a year, always having this hatred in my soul. Not opening up to anyone. Not until I met T.V did I gain happiness again. However that happiness only lasted a few days before I realised I was blind by love. I asked him out first and got rejected, that should have been a sign, but I continued to chase him until I got him, things weren't so great, until he realised I was the best he's ever gotten, I had other issues and decided to leave him right when he started loving me. Even now I still love him, but I know that we can never work in the future. And here we go again. My third love, whom I don't quite love as much as he loves me. He started chasing me even though I said I just broke up with my ex not too long ago. He still had that determination in his eyes. This guy is not a guy that I expected to be with. In all honesty I just spoke to him for fun since I was bored, but I always told him I didn't want anything but to be friends. There's nothing about him that I truly liked. He has no stable job, has a family crisis in many ways, not my ethnic background (not being racist but I prefer guys that can actually talk to my parents) and it sucks for me too because I cannot talk to his parents at all since they don't understand English and they're Chinese. I don't really care if he's good looking or not, but I prefer meaty guys. This guy is stick skinny, skinnier than me. I normally like having cuddles with a meatier guy. I eventually fell in love with him because of his genuine kindness. The kindness I see him towards strangers and his friends which I adore. But recently after many events, he now owes me quite an amount of money, and I trusted him but he let me down, not just him but his family. This has caused me a high amount of stress because I don't have a job at the moment and I'm living off my savings. i basically lent this guy more than half my savings which I was planning to survive off from before finding a new job. After so many times he has let me down and continues to behave stupidly, I'm starting to lose a lot of feelings for him. At the moment I can't even say that I love him. It took a lot of work for me to begin loving him and mistake after mistake, he has completely lost all my love. I have tried to break up with him but gave him another chance. I really don't think he is the one. I really don't know why I'm still with him. At first I said it's because I love hanging with his friends, but now I don't even care about friends, cos no one is trustworthy. I have completely lost all my friends except maybe O.N. I guess I haven't put in the effort to try and catch up but some people are just not worth being friends. I rather be happy alone or with one, two friends, than having many friends whom are fake, untrustworthy and just plain annoying. I don't know what the future will bring, but I guess I'll have to wait and see.

IM BEE OH ARE EE DEE

welcome summerrr! you are a pain in the A- hole >< And it doesn't make things better when you have to work in a food store, which has ovens and microwaves and a boss who is so stingy that wouldn't even let us use the air con. A work place that doesn't pay you double when you work on public holidays. A workplace who has cumstomers complaining like 24/7. What kind of workplace is this??? THIS IS MORE LIKE CHILD LABOUR MAN. I am so over this man. If it weren't for the money, I'd leave this instant. I really need another job. Once I do find one that is worthy of me working, I SHALL QUIT THIS HARD LABOUR. BWUAHAHA.

Two weeks of holidays are nearly over. And it seems like I haven't done much at all. FAROUT, I want holidays to last FOREVER. But I guess that will be impossible so I'll just have to live my life as it is.

anyways that's it for today. bye xo

Santa Clause is coming to townnnnn #

Every day there are new challenges for us to overcome and I guess that is what life's about.
Christmas is nearly heree!! I'm so excited :D My dad had recently put the christmas tree up and I had the honour of decorating it! My inner child had suddenly come to life. I felt so happy! Christmas is a time for joy and celebration, including presents! Yay! Seeing that it is nearly Christmas, i have made myself a wish list for Santa to come by one day and make it come true :)

Ellen's wish list:
-New phone
-New Heels, sandels, flats
-Two unique formal dresses for formal and end of year dinner (also accessories that may go with it :)
-A plush mushroom toy thingo from mario
-Minion toy
-New bag
-Summer clothes!

That's all i have for the moment. I hope Santa will be generous this year and at least fulfill one of my wishes :(

I wanna be a billionaire, so fricken badddd!

Another day has gone past yet so quickly. I have no idea what life has instore for me but I'm hoping for all the best. As a yr 12 now i seriously need to think about what i need to do for the future.. OH MAN so stressful! Anyways, I think i will start off by studying the subjects I'm good at so far and slowly progress my career along the way. I'm planning to either be a teacher..? NAH too hard LOL. Kids are a pain in the ass. Maybe an accountant? But then again, i find accounting SOOO boring. Being a lawyer sounds fun but studying it can be quite difficult :( OMG. I seriously don't know what to do. So I'll just concentrate on finishing yr 12 and getting a good atar for the time being.

Life can be hard, but we always must strive as high as we can and never ever think about giving up because you are only losing to yourself. Just like in school. We should never compare our ability towards other students, because we are all different. We should only compete against ourselves, to make us better as humans.

Anyways, that's all for today. LOTS OF LOVE BYE.

a new beginning..

Once again I have crawled back here because of boredom. Another year has come to an end and very soon a new one will start. It's times like these that we reflect on the things we've done so far..
Forget about the sad and think about the good times. Don't worry about the mistakes you've made but think of the future and how you can learn from those mistakes. Family and friends are the most important things in our lives because we know that we can always count on them. Never do anything alone, always remember that there will always be someone beside you on your side. Always try your best because trying is better than doing nothing even though you know you will fail. Best of all, party when you can because you still gotta live life to the fullest!

A glance of what 2010 has been so far for me..

masterchef!

third week off schooll! we had a lock down today whcih was lameee xD ppl were so noisy when we were supposed to be quiet, if there really was a stranger that came to our school we wouldve been dead alreadyy XD omggg anddd MASTERCHE ! ADAM WON ! LOLLL! go adam! woot woot!
ANDD ANDD omggg of all those times that ive said that learning goals were stupid at school and a waste of time, ive finally realised what goals i havee. im gonna be a solicitor orr some researching person about biology thingoo OR if i cant do that then a primary teacher :D bwuhahahahahaha i gotta aim high this year!

SCHOOL is gay.

First day of school. Omgggggg whatta drainerrrrr. mum woke me up and cos i was in a deeepp sleeep i totally forgot all about school and was like " WHAT? WHO? WHAT? are we going somewhere :O like farout i was fried man.
first two periods of tnt was a drainerrrr. like would Mrs Sherwood ever stop talking ? i mean CMON LOL? she asks questions and my class is like all dead man. like DUDE stop. please for the love of god. next two periods of legals was even more of a drainer. we watched some movie and i literally slept in class mann --' farkkk. at least the rest of the day was alright. OMG why does it have to be soo windy and cold??? like wTF? does the wind wanna blow me off or something? i mean dude IM A TINY GIRL ALRIGHT? GIMEM A BREAK xpp! oh man..SO BORED. its like 9.26pm rightt nowww and im like watching some movie or show with my bro? i dont even know what im doing ASHAJHDSJHFDF hw free todayy which is good :D we're gonna watcha macbeth performance tmr during PERIODS 1/2 :DDDDD YES no double methods BWUAHA. still... not looking forward to the performance cos it might be crap like last years romeos but at least its better than doing work (Y) anywhos gonna continue doing what i what doing. GOodnighttt <3