Hoping for a better future

Wow, it's been 5 years since I've blogged and reading back on these moments really brings back memories. I'm 21 now, still at uni, supposed to graduate this year but sadly I'm repeating. All I can say is wow. Things have definitely changed for me. High school dramas, ex boyfriends, ex best friends, it has made me the person I am today. In my mind, I really thought that every bad moment I had in my life, was the worst situation that can never be solved. Going through so much pain, depression leads to suicidal thoughts and acts. My mind spinning, thinking that things will never get better. Well 18 year old Ellen, you're wrong. Things did get better, time healed me. Family supported me. That's all I needed. Friends come and go, but blood is thicker than water. Although there are still times that when too much stress and depression gets to me, I still want to take my life away, I always remind myself that it'll be a burden for my family. They can only afford to live everyday as it passes, having my funeral would just be an expensive burden, as well as having their only daughter taken away from them. So this keeps me going, encourages me to continue trying to graduate uni even though Ive stayed back for one year now and next year will be another year I'll be staying back. But I can do this. To be the only one in my family to graduate would make my parents so proud, and that's all I need. My love life on the other hand has its ups and downs. After the worse break up with my ex in highschool, who was also my first, I stayed single for a year, always having this hatred in my soul. Not opening up to anyone. Not until I met T.V did I gain happiness again. However that happiness only lasted a few days before I realised I was blind by love. I asked him out first and got rejected, that should have been a sign, but I continued to chase him until I got him, things weren't so great, until he realised I was the best he's ever gotten, I had other issues and decided to leave him right when he started loving me. Even now I still love him, but I know that we can never work in the future. And here we go again. My third love, whom I don't quite love as much as he loves me. He started chasing me even though I said I just broke up with my ex not too long ago. He still had that determination in his eyes. This guy is not a guy that I expected to be with. In all honesty I just spoke to him for fun since I was bored, but I always told him I didn't want anything but to be friends. There's nothing about him that I truly liked. He has no stable job, has a family crisis in many ways, not my ethnic background (not being racist but I prefer guys that can actually talk to my parents) and it sucks for me too because I cannot talk to his parents at all since they don't understand English and they're Chinese. I don't really care if he's good looking or not, but I prefer meaty guys. This guy is stick skinny, skinnier than me. I normally like having cuddles with a meatier guy. I eventually fell in love with him because of his genuine kindness. The kindness I see him towards strangers and his friends which I adore. But recently after many events, he now owes me quite an amount of money, and I trusted him but he let me down, not just him but his family. This has caused me a high amount of stress because I don't have a job at the moment and I'm living off my savings. i basically lent this guy more than half my savings which I was planning to survive off from before finding a new job. After so many times he has let me down and continues to behave stupidly, I'm starting to lose a lot of feelings for him. At the moment I can't even say that I love him. It took a lot of work for me to begin loving him and mistake after mistake, he has completely lost all my love. I have tried to break up with him but gave him another chance. I really don't think he is the one. I really don't know why I'm still with him. At first I said it's because I love hanging with his friends, but now I don't even care about friends, cos no one is trustworthy. I have completely lost all my friends except maybe O.N. I guess I haven't put in the effort to try and catch up but some people are just not worth being friends. I rather be happy alone or with one, two friends, than having many friends whom are fake, untrustworthy and just plain annoying. I don't know what the future will bring, but I guess I'll have to wait and see.